"Is there a heaven where all these screams have gone?"- Tori Amos
Its been months. Yes, its been months since I've posted anything & the reason remains that I never really have time to do really.... anything, especially write a blog post. As a load of work remains by my side, the truth is it will never be fully complete, considering by next week I will have another load of work to complete, due to the craziness of my semester.. but! enough of that talk, that is not what I wanted to say in a blog post anyways.
This semester has taken a turn, a turn I wasn't quite expecting. In the the beginning of the semester I was going through a lot of questions, questions of things that I knew God could only answer. No one else. God could only answer them, because God was in my life when these problems started and is the only one that knows the truth as to why they have happened. Being a Psychology major, it is our job in a way to analyze situations, issues, so that essentially you can find a cure, just like any scientist. You want to give a diagnosis to patients, not tell them that you have no answer for them and that things will just remain unclear. So when I encounter issues of my own, my mind instantly goes to "why", " and "how can I fix this"... just like any other human being. Except for me, I try to figure out how I can not have it happen again and to essentially move on. But what if the problem, doesn't go away? What if you pray the same prayers over, and over and over .....again, etc.
I've had to watch some of the closest people to me, turn their backs from God. Be caught up in the secular world, that by their actions and beliefs, they remain no different than a non-Christian. I've watched these brothers and sisters in-Christ grow and walk in the Lord, speak truth to me and where we could talk about Jesus, on a daily basis. And then I see them fall down, right in front of my face. Not just sinning, like any other Christian par-takes in, but no longer living for God, but for man.
As I saw them choose the world, over God and dwell and continual sin, it started to become a stumbling block in my own spiritual life. I started to ask questions to God, and not just.. "why", but "how can they still be living in sin, if they were transformed by you".
The bible writes, "Those who live according to the sinful nature have their minds set on what the nature desires; but those who live in accordance with the Spirit have their minds set on what the Spirit desires" Romans 8: 5. If this is the case, if they truly are Christians, the Spirit is living within them, which means that their mindset is set on God above, not of this world. I can say honestly, that I've lived in sin for periods of a time, but it was never satisfying, got my heart broken every time by it,and made a lot of mistakes that I regret doing today. After praying for these people in my life repeatedly, the more tiring it became, because I continued to see no change in their lives. Unfortunately God does not work on a time limit, and my patience does not get any by time either. These are things God knows of me... Something hit me about a week ago, after hearing a sermon on the life of Job. Job, having being a man who lost nearly everything, his wealth, all his children, and almost his life at one point, he never struggled with being angry with God as to the pain he was going with, but he struggled with asking God... "why" all things had happened to him. That night after hearing the sermon, I decided to read about Job- since the last time I did, I was nearly 13 years old. I read through Job 3 where Job speaks to God, then back at ch. 38, when God speaks back to Job. Job had about every question for God, and God had about every question for Job. The series of questions that God has, started off near the beginning, asking "Where were you, when I laid the earth foundation? Tell me if you understand. Who marked the dimensions? Surely you know!" Job 38:4-5. This hit me like a brick. I felt as if God was calling out to me, asking me these things. Because I do not even the know the first two questions, I know nothing as to how every detail of this earth was created. Only God knows these things, because He is creator.
God has a plan for every one of us. I do not know the reasons why things have turned out the way they have, but it is no longer my right to ask God, why they have.- It wasn't my right from the start. God's knowledge for things is far beyond anything I could account for.
